The heavens collapsed over my numb body.
But still, I can feel.
I feel its weight over me. Pain.
It travels around my whole being.
I want to escape. I can’t. I try to scream for help but nothing comes out of me.
I can hear. I can hear the waters coming.
They’re coming in great waves. It drowns me. Now, I’m totally numb. No one’s here to save me. I am alone. Darkness eats up everything. I feel like I’ve lost myself. But then I see a ray of light. It’s telling me something. I move closer. Then I heard music. It’s the voice of my beloved calling my name. I’m not numb anymore. I opened my eyes. I see every beautiful thing. That’s what I see when I look into his eyes. Then he held me, in a way it feels as if he’d never let me go. This is what I always wished for. I look at his eyes one last time and see everything. Tears fell down from his eyes as he kissed me goodnight.
I finally closed my eyes and followed the light.
He’s attacking me. No one’s in the room but the two of us. He has a gun. And I have my HANDS. He’s right in front of me now. He’s gonna pull the trigger… I grab the gun. I got it! I can’t believe I did that. I point the gun at him. I shoot him. He lies down on the bed in the corner of the room. I talk to him.
“Can you help me find him?”
“Just find him.”
“Help me.”
“Just wait.”
“I’m going to find him.”
“Just wait. He’s coming.”
How can you survive when hope is not present? When everything is meaningless and points to a dead end? How do you go on when nothing is worth the pain and suffering? With a society based on facts, everything is a contradiction. What happens when we die? Fact is: nobody knows; therefore, we cannot assume that we just die. That there is nothing out there. Can you prove that there is? No. Therefore, everything we do and everything that happens in the world is all for nothing. So… How can one go through this life when all we do will just go up in flames? How do you survive when there is no faith? How do you survive when life slaps you in the face saying love is not enough?
The most important lesson, and useful lesson, that I have learned in my life so far is that there is really nobody else that I can rely on except for myself. Everyone will fuck us over at least once in our life. But can we really blame them? No. Because that is the way people are. We are just all doing things that will benefit us in one form or another. People will not do things unless there is an advantage to it of some kind for themselves. It’s also a matter of convenience. And people can say what they want, but those are just merely words which almost actually never conveys exactly what one person is trying to say or what that one person really feels. And even then, we all change our minds about a certain subject when faced with different situations and circumstances. We manipulate words, we manipulate others as it is convenient for us. Life is the biggest game any of us or each and every one of us will ever play. And in this game of life, we are alone. We are just one person.
I am a dreamer.
I like to sit and look out the window early in the morning while the noise of everything around me still sleeps
I like looking out the window and seeing the soft light of the sun, the clouds, and the smell of fresh morning air
And from there, my heart, mind, and soul wanders off into the silence and dreams
I only think about the wonderful things in my life as I stare into the perfect peacefulness
Words wouldn’t describe the calmness that I feel while I sit there
And I cherish those fifteen minutes which start my weekday for I feel relief
…and it makes me hope.
Feb 24 2003