Added to MSR 030311
Originally written 2003
Dread and fear, uneasiness flowed like ice through my veins. Why am I here? What have I gotten myself into? The black velvet sky hovered over me like an omen, the cold, harsh wind cut through my face like a knife. I had weaseled my way out from an uneventful afternoon just a few hours earlier with very little difficulty. My homeboy, Brandin, put up a show successfully with my mom, acting like this innocent little boy. “Yeah, we’re just going to the mall ma’am… we’re just going to look for clothes and hang out. I’ll bring her back by 10 o’clock, don’t worry.” I wanted to see my boyfriend, Luis, that night and Brandin was there to help me meet up with him. On our way to where Luis was staying, Brandin started rolling up a blunt and we smoked it all the way to South Minneapolis non-stop.
It was a little past seven when we arrived at the pitch-black 12th Street and the effects of the drug had taken its full effect. I could feel it swimming inside my body, softening my tense muscles… clearing my mind of everything that I had been worrying about. I spilled out of Brandin’s car and looked around to see where my boyfriend was. I saw a shadow creeping through the miniscule house by the corner, and slowly there appeared Luis with a huge smirk on his face. “Come to the back with me,” he said as he melted away into the darkness.
I chased the shadows, which led into an alley in the back of the house. As I approached, faint, low voices entranced my ears. It took me a while to figure out what the guys were doing. I saw spray paint bottle and a blue stencil with markings on it. The guys were running up and down the alley, telling everyone to hush down and be as furtive as possible. About ten minutes later, I heard a man yell: “Get the fuck off my yard, you fucking assholes!” Laughter permeated my ears as I saw the guys chuckling and racing to get back. “Hurry the fuck up, dude! Get inside the house! Get in! Get in!” one of them said in a panicky voice.
I followed them into the house and down to the basement, stumbling almost half of the time, because of confusion and because I was wearing 4-inch stilettos. When we finally settled down, Luis came up to me and gave me a big embrace. “Baby ko, I missed you,” he whispered as he put his lips against mine. We were enveloped in a dance of passion as we glided to the part of the basement where we could be alone. We found ourselves in the laundry room but the room had no doors; it was an open space. “On top there?” he asked. I shook my head no, I wasn’t about to do something so personal in a place where anyone could just see. I led him into the small bathroom with just a sliding door to cover it up. “It’s okay to be loud here baby…” he whispered as he started to take my clothes off.
Why am I here? What have I gotten myself into? I searched for the answer as I sat on the doorstep of the house. All my senses came back to me again, causing me to think about what had just happened. I smoked cigarette after cigarette trying to get things straight and trying to calm my mind, body and soul. What has happened to me? I got to thinking, Doing these things used to give me a rush. It used to make me feel good. Why has it changed now? I did not feel right about anything at all as I found myself spiraling down into a whirlpool of unknowingness.
After that Sunday, the whole week proved that I was breaking down. My head was confused, I wasn’t thinking straight. I felt like I was trapped in a world of anger, hatred, depression, confusion. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like running far, far away. I felt like I didn’t care about anything anymore. Rage was bottled up inside me and the littlest things are pricking my door, causing me to burst. I felt anger, accompanied by sadness and the world around me just kept going and stopped at the same time. I was on the verge of lashing out at anyone who was in my way. The frustration and sadness made me feel like crying but no tears would come out. They had frozen up inside my ice-cold body. I thought to myself: This is not my body… This isn’t my body.
Maybe that was my wake up call. That night, I woke up from a dream and realized that this is not me. I had to stop trying to run away from everything. I still don’t feel alright but I’m rising up from the deep, deep gush that I have been in. I am on my way to Tennessee… I will be continuing my studies there so I can realize my dream of graduating this year, of becoming free, that I have been working so hard for. That night… I will remember; it showed me what was really important.
Clear my head of thoughts so low
Clear my heart of sadness
I am racing to get to the finish line
But all I can see is darkness
I would gladly give everything up for freedom
I would leave it all behind to feel okay
Save me from all the misery
Help me get through today
Struggling to fight this emotion
I am starting to lose my mind
I don’t know what I am doing wrong
Somehow I cannot unwind
So please salvage me from this life
I don’t know anymore what to do
To survive