They hid themselves in the language of goodness while letting cruelty and othering happen. They mishandled things that should have been basic integrity. They had the language of regulation, mindfulness, accountability, nonjudgment, effectiveness… then they behaved in ways that were mindless, ego-protective, invalidating, and harmful.
They doled out harm while claiming to be the kind of people or system that should know better, while using values-language to protect them, then acted like their self-image mattered more than what was actually happening. They present themselves as morally/clinically/spiritually superior but then refuse reflection when they cause harm.
I’m mad because I still know that what they did was wrong and they never really took accountability or had genuine curiosity or tried real repair. That takes time for anyone to process especially when they still get to walk around in their good/regulated people/values-based institution while I had to carry the consequences.
It feels disgusting because they saw it. They acknowledged the truth sideways. They were the ones caught up in legacy, ego, image, position, whatever bullshit they are blind to and even with that sliver of realization, they did not do any meaningful repair, no meaningful accountability, no meaningful correction, no protection from the fallout, no restitution, no making sure the harm stopped or was acknowledged clearly.
Instead, it was used as a place to unload guilt, a confession without consequence. People tend to get to the edge of seeing clearly just enough to relieve themselves but not enough to actually change the material conditions or repair the person they harmed. They use it as a container for their self-awareness moment then you’re still left with the damage. Don’t just bring your little guilt offering then walk away cleaner while leaving the other person still stuck in the mud of your doing. If it was actual repair, it would have centered impact and true understanding.
Instead, it was nothing meaningful other than wanting to be reassured of their own goodness again. That half-accountability is worse sometimes because it proves they were capable of seeing more than they acted on. Even with a sliver of awareness, they chose ego over values, and then guilt-management over repair, still blind to their own hypocrisy.