Other Ramblings
Once I was very angry that almost everything in this world is unfair. Now I am still angry because the same things are still happening and little change has occurred. I want to live in a world where things are not based on money and power, a world where everyone is harmonious and in peace. People that do things for a reason would be able to do whatever they desire as long as it does not affect other people in a bad way. I want to live in a world where people are really free, a world with no restrictions, a world where people can live their lives the way they would want to. I know that this is just wishful thinking and that the chances of it coming true in my lifetime are extremely slim, I still believe that one day people would get to that point. I don’t know how… but I know they will. I just hate being controlled by other people. I wish they could just worry about their own fucking lives and leave me the fuck alone because I’m not doing shit to their plans. I just want to tell people to back the fuck off and mind their own fucking business. They try to manipulate you, threaten you, think that you don’t know any better… that pisses me off really bad. Hey, I have a plan. I know what I’m going to do in life and I won’t let anything get in the way of it no matter what happens. It is non-conforming but that’s the way I am taking… it is the best for me. I just hate most of the people in power today. They tend to get power-hungry and try to control every fucking thing. Dude, if I’m not messing with you, don’t fucking mess with me! Stop trying to control my life and let me live my own damn life!
When I think about life, I get lost. Thousands of questions run through my head. I try to tie all the answers and explanations together but it just brings out more questions, sometimes questions with no answers. Why do I have a rebellious soul, trapped in a body, in a person who does not have control over anything. My voice is left unheard, my cries are left in the darkness of the night where nobody could see. Where nobody could see the pain inside of me, it needs to stay inside in order for me to not affect other people. I want to run… I want to run away from this life and go back to that place where I feel safe and secure… I do not like the person I have become, I do not like what I have been doing. Is there a way out? Yes, but the way out isn’t your way out… It’s my own way out… Should I just give up when the finish line is right there? I could see it but I couldnot feel it, it’s distant, unreal, unreachable from where I stand, chained. I feel like a child with no voice… a child who does not have the right to stand up for myself, defend myself, fight for my beliefs. Will I always be like this? I’ll be gone, I’ll disappear. I’ll make it through alone. I’ll make a name for myself. I will be somebody even if I go through it alone. Even if you won’t be there to support me with anything, even if you leave me with nothing, I will rise above that. I will rise above anything by myself, without you. Stop seeing me as a child who could not make decisions. Leave me be. Leave me be.
10 march 2005