I’m not special. Whatever I can or was supposed to do, somebody else will get it done. I am just damaged goods. Why should I continue to live and spread unhappiness? I want to stop being a burden to other people… You say, change yourself… How can I when I do not have the desire to? I do not want to deal with all the bullshit in this world… I just want to go away….
Maybe I’m meant to die…
What would happen if I kill myself tonight? I would like it if everything just stopped. Then, I wouldn’t feel anything anymore. All the pain will go away… I will cease to exist and wouldn’t even carte about whatever happens next. I really would like it if I disappeared. All the pain that I have right now, I don’t know how to take away. Sometimes I hope someone or something could just come and save me from everything… But every time I open my heart, I get hurt even more. I’m waiting for something that might never come. I am out of ideas. I don’t know what else to do but to kill myself.
How can you survive when hope is not present? When everything is meaningless and points to a dead end? How do you go on when nothing is worth the pain and suffering? With a society based on facts, everything is a contradiction. What happens when we die? Fact is: nobody knows; therefore, we cannot assume that we just die. That there is nothing out there. Can you prove that there is? No. Therefore, everything we do and everything that happens in the world is all for nothing. So… How can one go through this life when all we do will just go up in flames? How do you survive when there is no faith? How do you survive when life slaps you in the face saying love is not enough?
These are just some of the thoughts that swirl around my head whenever I am thrust into my world of depression. I get tunnel vision where I can’t really think about anything else but to just end the pain that I feel inside. I literally feel like there’s a cloud around me which distorts my view of the whole world around. I forget about all my responsibilities and lose interest in anything and everything. I do not move but I cannot stop moving at the same time. I can’t think of anything else but all the bad things in my life: how I am not fit enough, how I haven’t accomplished what I was supposed to accomplish at my age, how everyone hates me, how ugly I am, how I cannot be productive in society. I make myself believe that this feeling will not go away at all, that I will always be like this and there is nothing that I can do to change it. I make myself feel like the only way to stop it is if I end my life. I hammer it into my head that if I go, then the pain will stop. That I will not feel anything anymore… I will stop hurting other people and I will stop hurting myself. Other people can go on without me, that whatever I can do, someone else will do. Nobody will even notice that I was gone. I was just one of the people who died out of millions.
Then, sometimes, I also think about how ugly this world has been. I think of all the madness and chaos that people go through everyday. All the tyranny, all the controlling, all the manipulation, all the evil. I do not want to live in a world like that. I just want to be happy or end it all. I do not want to contribute to the growing pain that we all suffer. Everything that I ever thought when I was younger was just lies. Everyone says contradicting words, everyone are hypocrites… what you thought was good turns out to be hiding things. Things you thought were for the good of everyone turns out to be just another wolf in sheep’s clothing.
What goes through one’s mind at the time of contemplating suicide may be different for everyone. I just know that when I am feeling like this, it is like hell. I have gotten this down to a minimum lately…
- I think of my family, especially my parents, I think of how they would feel if I did die. It crushes my heart when I see my mom, mourning her child’s death. I cannot stand seeing my mom in agony.
- I think of what happens when we die. We are not 100% positive that we know where we go. Some say heaven, some say hell, some say another world, some say we go into nothingness. It scares me.
We are already in this world, this time, this place, this body. This scenario will never happen again. If we’re already here, and it all turns into nothing in the end, at least for that moment in time, we have lived and experienced all it is that we want to experience in our life. We should never forget that our life is our own and that we could choose to do what we want in it. The happiest of people live their life according to their own standards, they make their own world even if their world is far different from another one’s. It is their own and it makes them happy…
All feelings don’t last forever. There are certain triggers in our environment that cause us to delve deep into depression. But if we just change the way we think about things, open up new concepts and new possibilities in our minds, we may overcome the depression that creeps within us all. Looking into what makes you feel this way may actually help your own journey. Always ask yourself: What made me feel this way?