I used to think I was doing it wrong.
That if my mind wandered during moments
that were supposed to feel sacred, intimate, or fully present,
I had failed somehow.
Disconnected. Too analytical. Not grounded enough.

But now I see it differently.

Sometimes my presence doesn’t look like stillness.
It looks like feeling everything
while also observing myself feeling it.
It looks like noticing the pattern
of light on the wall while being kissed.
It looks like wondering what this means, why it matters,
how it’ll echo later and
still meaning every part of it.

I thought that meant I wasn’t there.

But the truth is
I was there.
All of me.

I’m not a distraction to myself.
I’m a system that tracks meaning while it’s happening.

And I’ve finally stopped trying
to shut that off just to feel “present.”

Because presence isn’t the absence of thought in the moment
but letting every part of me arrive and integrate.

And now that I know that
I feel everything more deeply.

Because I’m not cutting off pieces of myself to do it.