I have such a wonderful thought
Dancing around my head
Is it something to write about
Something worth to be shared
I cling on to the thought
With all my might
Forcing it to stay
Till I get on through the night
Hoping it would last
And find its way on a book
Not like the other thoughts I had
One minute was all it took
Now I grasp clearly
And hold it close to my heart
But now it’s gone…
It didn’t make it to this part.
There’s this emptiness in me
That I just can’t quite comprehend
There’s this feeling of inadequacy
And I know it’s not something to defend
People do great things
When will my time come
When will it be my turn
To shine?
Here I am again, trying to calm myself of the pain I feel inside
Listening to songs that make me feel that I really don’t want to die
These songs give me hope and faith that something good is waiting
Something that I have dreamed of since I was a young girl, dreaming
Trying to walk away even for just a while from reality
And going to a place where there is peace and happiness
There is something there for me beyond the gray skies
There is something amidst all the lies
And I feel like I won’t reach that point where calmness abounds
There’s no one else to prove to the world that love is still around.
I remember the old days
When they were really happy with me
They all loved me
They all looked out for me
I remember when my mommy used to hug me so tight
And ask for a kiss every single night
I remember when I used to sleep beside my mom
It was a comforting feeling to know that she was there
To protect me while I was sleeping
All that changed when two more youngsters came along
They all had this new baby
And I was left alone
Back in the dark
No one seemed to care
Anymore
And I don’t matter
I don’t matter.
He lives but does not live at all
He cries but it isn’t for joy
He is alone with tears in his eyes
Pretending to be happy with all the lies
So they have won but he still has hope
That his dearest is still alive
He hugs his toy hoping someday she’d call
To say that she didn’t leave his side
I am alone in this crazy whirlpool
With no one here to guide me every day
But I know it’s my fault you don’t come to me
I just push people away
I am afraid that you’ll just use me
Pretending to be a real friend
I know I shouldn’t feel like this
But I think it’s the way it’ll end
Do you think I can trust after what I’ve been through
Do you think I could just banish the pain
You don’t know how painful this has been to me
Can you help me get through and forget
Can you help me get through and forget
You push me so hard into remembering
What happened to me long ago
But I refuse to be apart of this
It’s eating me up, don’t you know
So why don’t you just make me go away
I’ll be saying the same things every day
You won’t lead me into saying
The words I dare not say
How long should this hell go on
I am alive but there is nothing I know
You question me over and over but still
I know that I’m not real
I know we’ve had fights
But now I realize
You were just trying to help me
So I could go on with my life
You taught me things that help me get through
Some obstacles in my path, old and new
You gave me hope to see
What the future brings
You helped me see the world
And the wonder it springs
You gave me courage to change my life into something new
You are my dearest grandmother, and I love you
Tears fill my eyes
As I insanely look at the knife
I cut myself
Pain, it only lasts for a second
Blood rushes out, good!
I stare at it
I cut myself again
Much deeper
Blood rushes out again
I wanna die!
Don’t expect much from me
I am only me
I am not like them
As you can see
I am not ms. Pretty
Nor ms. Smart
I am just me
All I can offer is my heart
Don’t expect me
To be like them
We aren’t the same
Don’t ever compare us
We really don’t run the same way
My Friend, My Friend
My friend, my friend
Where did you go?
You told me you’re going to be there
But you never did come home
My friend, my friend
I hope you’re alright
It was just a simple game
And you tried with all your might
My friend, my friend
Please be safe from harm
Come back home to the people who love you
Come back home safe and warm
My friend, my friend
Though I may seem doubtful sometimes
You are still in my heart
That’s one thing I could not hide
My friend, my friend
You’ve been there for me
You helped me make it
Through the worst of tragedies
My friend, my friend
I never did lose faith in you
I still have the bracelet
You gave to me when we were two
My friend, my friend
I’ll still be here
I’ll wait for you to come home
Even if it takes years
My friend, my friend
I love you so much
You cared for me when I was insane
You’re everything that I got
I want out of here.
Out of this “paradise”
I want to go home
Feel the love I had once known
But they won’t let me.
They love me, so they say.
Well do you call love
Being treated as a slave?
“Stop being selfish”
They tell me this
While all my life
I’m the one who’s always giving
“If you love us, you’ll stay”
What about me?
You say you love me
But you treat me this way
Please let me go
If not, I think I’ll fall
Into extreme sadness
In this “paradise”
Or so they call
Sometimes I scream
I scream so hard
And wait for someone who’ll hear
But everytime I wait
No one comes to save me
My screams are little tears
My little tears
Which I hold so dearly
These tears are diamonds
But only I notice that
So I am alone
With no one to share
These diamonds with
I can’t take it anymore, I’m suffocating
In this world full of pride & hate, I’m dissipating
I’ve been through hell and pain that burns me
I’m going through terror and shame that’s killing me
I want to tear my flesh to ease the pain inside
To release me from my torment that I try so hard to hide
I need to get away from the trouble that binds me
I have to be set free from the horror that blinds me
Take me, take me… far away from all this
Where can I run? Where can I hide?
Save me, save me… from these pains
Where can I go? Where can I turn to?
Sadly I don’t know.—
Darkness clouds over my head and everything that matters fades away
My heart races, my body yearns for something to relieve the pain
The slashes I feel against my skin soothes my aching soul
My anger releases me as I feel each end every blow
As blood comes out, it hypnotizes my whole being
The red droplets symbolize my anger, love, pain, hate
I desire to see more… I desire to see more
Blood is the flow of life… I need to see more
Sadness came over me last night
It made me realized that I haven’t got my dream
Showed that haven’t done a thing to make it true
And now all that makes me feel blue
I failed to make the best in me
It’s all because I did not see
That I have to chase and grasp it with my hands
Only now, when it’s a little bit late, do I understand
Now I’m working hard to make it real
All I need is patience and commitment
To make myself a better person
And free myself from imprisonment
I feel like I’ll never make it through
This difficult and fearful challenge
It seems like it’s too hard to bear
Knowing that I’m facing this on my own
But I have to make it through…
I have to find a way…
I still have faith in myself
Because you believe in me.
I don’t want to lie anymore
I will show you the real me
The pretensions have been too gore
And somehow, I’ve been pushed to flee
I do not fit your expectations
Of a skinny little thing with bright eyes
There’s something more to me
Than all those petrified lies
There is a place in me
That I know you might love
But there you will see
All my flaws that are unworthy of…
All your praise about a beautiful girl
For I was just one pretender
Who wanted to be a part of your world
But there I stand covered in dirt
I don’t want to lie anymore
Since I found you
The kindness you’ve shown me
Doesn’t make me want to prove…
Anything to anyone who judges unfairly
You told me they will make it barely
Through this world they shall not yield
To anyone who crosses their minefields
Again I am not one of those dreamy women
Who turns heads of countless boys
I am just a plain looking girl
Who’s beauty inside is waiting to unfold
So tell me now before I waste my time
Will you still wait for my time to shine?
It’s hard to be waiting for the time to come
When I’ll be flying in the sky once again
How can I make time go significantly faster
And make the day I’ll be free seem like tomorrow
So many months of suffering in this perfect place
I expected I would be free from my past
But I realize I can never erase
There are many obstacles that I must face before that day
When I’ll be going home to my loved ones once more
Need to think things through before I move
Wanting to go as soon as I get it all
Is there anyone who could help me?
Because that day seems cloudy from here
And if I don’t get to fly once more
I might become dazed and never soar…
I try to go outside there thinking everything’s okay
Hoping to make people believe that nothing’s wrong today
They can only see happiness through my eyes
Everyday I’m getting better, making them believe in lies
Sometimes I fool myself into thinking I’m fine too
But then I crumble up inside of me, crying
I like to think that the pain I feel has been reduced
Sooner or later though… it haunts me, winning
It caught up with me again, this tormented feeling
I try to run but it stops me from seeing
I’d like to vanish and be part of the unknown
But after two years of trying… they won’t let me go
So tell me, what do I do now… my head turns and turns
I’d rather be in fire that makes my body burn
Again, nothing seems to matter even my dreams
I don’t even know what to do about this but scream
I can’t help you if I haven’t helped myself
I thought I have learned a lot of things
But still I can’t quite understand them
I keep a lot of pain in my heart
I have kept them for a lot of years
They are better left unsaid and heard
For I fear that no one would want to hear
People really don’t understand me
Even though they say they do
How could they know how I feel
For I, myself do not understand all the pain that
I have been going through
I wish I just wasn’t born
Life is just so complicated
For I once read in a book
From the very start, I’m a disappointment
So you see, I keep the pain
And it burdens me more and more
I want to give up on life
I know I’ll never soar