Sometimes there’s a deep, very old craving for someone’s love, approval, and understanding. There can also be a long history of getting little hits of love that was mixed with manipulation and invalidation. Then it trained a body and mind that remembers the high and the crash that even today still sometimes wonders if one more hit will finally be the good one.
When we crave their love but then remember all the other ways they harmed, it feels like… I want this substance because it once felt like relief and home but last time I took it, I ended up abandoned, gaslit, and blamed for everything. Of course the body and brain go back and forth because that’s basically attachment PLUS intermittent reinforcement PLUS actual trauma history.
The hopeful part of us thinks maybe this time, when I go back, they’ll finally see me accurately, love me deeply, not twist it, not use me. I want them, I miss them. But then the actual whole self is screaming we’ve been there, we know what happens, it’s harmful, stay away.
The difference between now and then:
Then = craving + denial + override.
Now = craving + MEMORY + choice.
Is it worth it?