Basic anxiety is what we feel in an environment that is not nurturing. We feel helpless and in turn, develop the interpersonal strategies of defense, with one being a lot more dominant than the other two. There are three interpersonal strategies of defense: the compliant solution, the expansive solutions and detachment.
The compliant solution focuses on looking for love in the world. It moves towards people and depends on the fairness and goodness of human nature. They believe in bargain work where if they give good output, they get good input… otherwise, if they get bad input they see it as their fault.
The expansive solution is opposite to the compliant solution and moves against people. There are three categories which are the narcissistic solution where one masters life by putting their self up a pedestal and think they can do anything, the perfectionistic solution where one has very high moral and intellectual standards and judging everyone based on that standard, and the arrogant-vindictive solution which focuses on overpowering the weak and triumphing in this manner. The three of these focus on mastering life whereas the compliant solution focuses on love.
Detachment is moving away from people. This is where one just accepts what they have and where they are, they ask nothing from people but expect they they are not to be bothered either.
Our fictional idealized image arises from the major strategy of defense we employ. This gives rise to the tyranny of the shoulds where we think in our head that we should act a certain way in any given situation. Not acting the way we should be acting gives rise to self-hate. With successful treatment, our central inner self – which is who we really are, our genetic code, what we are born with, our temperament, likes and dislikes, etc – starts to come out and threatens our pride system, and thus becomes the target for self-hate.
Someone I’m close to has not had a very good childhood. A parent left and started another family, and they experienced a lot of instability with different father figures. The parental relationship was more like a friendship than guidance. They’re now a devout believer in their faith, and honestly, I couldn’t see anything wrong with them. In their case, Horney’s ideas seem not to apply. They don’t appear to have one dominant strategy of defense, but rather move through all three at appropriate times. They have good relationships with people and never try to be someone they’re not. They seem in touch with their central inner self and are flourishing. I don’t see an idealized image they’re chasing, and I don’t see any “shoulds” controlling their life. They’re able to balance work, family, relationships, and spirituality in a healthy way. There’s no visible self-hate, and over all these years, they’ve never had a breakdown like others might. They are assertive instead of seeking mastery, loving without dependence, and know when to leave things alone rather than becoming completely detached.